Saturday, December 8, 2012
Julius, Momma's boy
For four years you lived in an orphanage.
You didn't need help.
If you couldn't do it yourself, you just wouldn't do it.
You pushed him away as well.
You tried to push us all away.
Sometimes I thought maybe it was for the best.
You weren't going to get close to anyone anyway.........were you?
You were so angry.
We saw your pain.
Oh how little did I know!
The capacity one 5 year old boy could love!
You wanted someone to work hard for your love.
You weren't giving it away.
No matter how hard you tried those four years,
No one had ever given it to you.
Sitting alone, day after day those four years.
With only your basic needs being met.
No one sitting with you,
just to be near you.
No one talking just to you.
No one choosing you, reading to you, singing to you.
There were too few staff,
spread thinly among the kids who did not have special needs.
Bless your precious heart,
you do not think you have any special needs at all!
And you may be right.
But I have a special need,
and it's you.
Right when I decided to just love you,
You were watching me.
You were learning to love your new brothers and sisters.
You were learning to love Pauly, the little boy from the same orphanage as you that you had never played with.
The very few orphanage staff have no time to help special needs kids play with each other.
So Pauly hit you, bit and pulled your hair.
Until he realized that he liked that you loved him.
You were safe for him to love.
We had a lot of time.
So we practiced with you and Pauly day after day.
You tried to let everyone think you didn't have a clue.
You tried to push us away.
But I saw that little spark in your eyes.
You were learning fast.
You weren't accepting it,
but you learned it so quickly!
Dad took you to your big surgery.
When you came out from the anesthesia,
Surrounded by the Drs and nurses,
You saw Dad,
And your eyes begged for him.
It was your first time to need Dad,
To want Dad.
He was there to love you!
He was so happy to care for you!
From then and until forever.
When you came home I nursed your wounds.
You were not happy with me.
You still tried to keep your distance.
How could I get you to realize how much I loved you?
How could I get you to let your guard down.
So you could love too?
You hated changes in your routine.
Dad was a big part of your day.
Dad brought you home.
If he was gone you really missed him.
You wanted him,
So right when I decided you were Daddy's boy.......
You chose me.
I should have known.
When you spit,
I'm the one they hand you to!
When you hit,
I'm the one you sit in time out with!
When you are LOUD!
I'm the one you sit with quietly until the fighting stops!
When you are in a fight over your head,
I'm the one who swoops you up.
Yup, Mom's the one who gets all the little boys who are full of life!
And the natural consequence of that is,
Lots of mom time.
Lots and lots and lots of mom time.
When others thought Mom time was boring,
You needed it!
You thrived on it!
It was filling you up!
And then it's just kind of natural,
You stopped seeking negative attention,
You looked for me first,
And you just come to me over and over,
All on your own.
Sometimes you prefer to just stay with me.
You even taught Pauly how to "find" me!
But he gives himself away,
He laughs so loudly as he runs from his siblings,
As they chase him down to bring him back!
Pauly doesn't hide his emotions like you!
You are quiet and secret yourself to me!
All on your own!
But can I tell you a secret?
I finally know how much you love me!
You try to pretend you are just with me to "see" what's going on,
But out of the corner of my eye,
I see you smile, I see you laugh!
I see you sit confidently at my side,
That you are smart!
Yup, my special need is you!
And your special need is me!